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Loud Thoughts
Loud music filled my room, making it hard to hear anything else.
If only it would help. If only it would drown out the chatter of my distressed being. If only it would alleviate the existential suffering, which scraped the walls of my mind’s besieged fortress. If only.
Leaning against the dirty brick – layered border of my room, I waited for the crescendo of the pain to rip my physical body apart. I wished it would help. People sometimes ask me for the reasons. It seems like it’s all about the reasons these days… Reasons to do, reasons to be, reasons to have… Reasons, reasons, reasons…. All the time! And quite frankly I don’t have any. Neither for nor against, neither because nor despite, neither good nor bad. Just none. And I wonder what it would matter if I did anyway… The waking state in this plane of physicality, which appears to revolve fully around the idea of vision, has been a part of my misery for quite a while. And it is not because I do not feel like participating, not at all. It’s just that wherever I do, I find myself wandering across the planes within - invisible, abundant, and for the most part impossible to express to those around me. Not that they are that interested anyway…
Are you…?
If you really want to know, let me tell you this. There are two ways of seeing and so I prefer the latter, the less obvious one, the one that appears to slip out of the contemporary brackets of awareness, out of the world’s usual, mass-media-based, ‘normal’ view… The one which is rather difficult to express using the words so often constricted by the commonality of our societal norms and conditions. The ‘inner one’ if you will. I know I would. Anyway, this chatter I’m trying to fend off with the rhythms of a harmonically correct lineage of notes is an inescapable part of one’s daily experience, and funnily enough, one that can easily take control over our life’s pace if we allow it to. And many of us do so. Most without ever realising it to be the case…
I found out recently that experiencing, and living is far more complex than I thought it to be. The layers of reality remind me of an onion, which while peeled away slowly, bring about an enriching taste and a painful realisation. Truly a self-loathing, self-loving act. Maybe you have experienced this deeper layer before, either during a love’s ecstatic surge, sunset’s pleasurable sight, or controlled use of substances of rather uncommon nature… Maybe you’ve tried to meditate. Whatever your experience was, you can easily discredit or agree with me on this one, particularly interesting and mind-boggling fact – none of us fully comprehend its essence. And so, we go on, buzzing with mumbling fool’s inner monologue. And so, we live.
Loud music filled my room, making it hard to hear anything else.
Anything else but thoughts…
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Artwork by Katarzyna Druszcz
#prose #creativewriting #thoughts #shortstory #freeflowing #doublevision #lifephilosophy #thinking #living #writing #storiesofmind #creativity #inspiration #attitude